Depression while in a relationship is worse..
The worst part is trying to explain it to your significant other. The yelling, the screaming. No words being understood by either, but words flowing out the side of the mouths like water through a river. Words meant to hurt the other. As if depression wasn’t bad enough.
Many understand the process, while others don’t.
Others yell at you to get out of bed. To try to feel better. If only. If only getting out of bed was that simple. Darkness all around but they just want you to get out of bed. You’re laying there feeling as if you’re not good enough but yet they expect you to spring out of bed and face the day without adversity. Face the day fearlessly and boldly.
You spent the night before crying yourself to sleep.
Thinking you’re not good enough. Not good enough for anyone. Too fat, too skinny, a failure, not capable of much. Thoughts cycling through your mind like an endless running marathon. You trying to figure out how to stop it while having people around you who don’t understand. My boyfriend tries and tries to understand but no matter how much he tries, he just won’t fully grasp his mind around the issue. He won’t know how hard I try to think happy thoughts, try to be positive, try to think highly of myself.
Some days, this simple task seems impossible.
It seems easier to climb the highest mountain, then to get out of bed. Constantly hearing reassurance from him, but not fully believing it. When does it become my time to finally believe it? When do I finally stand up and start loving myself. Relationships are hard. They’re hard without even trying. Hardships are faced on a daily basis. You’re starting to deal with someone else. Someone who might be completely opposite of you.
You have to learn to manage yourself and compromise.
Compromise. This one word seems impossible when dealing with depression. One wants to go out, the other stay in. Arguments arise. Arguments settle. Same problem still remains. Sometimes I feel as if he secretly wants me to be “normal”. Not the broken girl that I try to hide. I try to act like someone who jumps out of bed all giddy and excited for the day. I do have to say that many days, I do spring out of bed. Ready to take on the world. Other days, I want to hide away.
Not feeling like yourself is probably the worst feeling.
Not wanting to look in the mirror is tied for second best. Sometimes I find myself brushing my hair, my back facing the mirror. My depression yelling that I’m not good enough. A temporary satisfaction only achieved by crying. Crying and crying. Points of bawling my eyes out. A few days of satisfaction following this and then falling down the same path a few days later. Relief only found by focusing the mind of other adventures; movies, reading, writing, family, praying. A cycle that will never be understood by my boyfriend. A cycle so unknown to him.